10 Rules for dating my daugher

10 Rules for dating my daughter:

1) If you pull up in front of my house and honk, you'd better be dropping off a package, because you're not picking anything up.

2) Do not touch my daugher in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them for you.

3) I am aware that that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about the issue. So I propose this compromise. You may come to the door with your underwear showing, and your pants 10 sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do not in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securly to your waist.

4) I'm sure that your told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a barrier method can kill you. Allow me to elaborate . When it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.

5) In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughther safely back at my house. And the only word I need to hear from you on the subject is "early".

6) I have not doubts that you're a popluar fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. Frankly, I would much rather you did, however, if you absolutely must date my daugher, you must go out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one else but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry I will make you cry.

7) If you stand in front of my hallway waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh or fidget. If you wanted to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the sisteen chapel. Instead of just standing there, you may demonstrate to me why I should tolerate your existance by doing such things like changing the oil in my car.

8) The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: places where there are beds, sofas or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eye site. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient tempurature is warm enough to enduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, mid-drift tee shirts, or anything other than overalls, A sweater and a goose down parker zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies which feature chain saw wielded on un-suspected teenagers by males of your agegroup or general appearance are ok. Hockey games are ok, old folks homes are better.

9) Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter I am the all-knowing, merciless and vengeful god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going, and what you will be doing, you have only one very brief chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shot gun, shovel and five acres behind the house, do not mess with me.

10) Be afraid, be very very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming over a rice pattie outside Da Nam. When my agent orange started acting up the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. The moment you pull in the driveway you should exit your car with both hands held high over your head. Speak the password, annouce that you have brought my daughter home safely, then return to your car and leave immediately once she has exited the vehicle. Do not attemp to come inside, or even follow her in the door. It is my camouflage face in the window. The red laser beam of light on your chest is also mine.